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 Post subject: Restoration Offer
PostPosted: Wed Oct 31, 2018 12:34 pm 
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In an unexpected televised address on Saturday, Queen Elizabeth II offered to restore British rule over the United States of America.

Addressing the American people from her office in Buckingham Palace, the Queen said that she was making the offer “in recognition of the desperate situation you now find yourselves in.”

"This two-hundred-and-forty-year experiment in self-rule began with the best of intentions, but I think we can all agree that it didn't end well," she said.

The Queen urged Americans to write in her name on Election Day, after which the transition to British rule could begin “with a minimum of bother.”

Elizabeth acknowledged that, in the wake of Brexit, Americans might justifiably be alarmed about being governed by the British parliamentary system, but she reassured them, “Parliament would play no role in this deal. This would be an old-school monarchy. Just me, and then, assuming you’d rather not have Charles, we could go straight to William and those children of his who have mesmerized you so.”

Using the closing moments of her speech to tout her credentials, the Queen made it clear that she has never used e-mail and has only had sex with one person "very occasionally."


https://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/queen-offers-to-restore-british-rule-over-united-states

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 Post subject: Re: Restoration Offer
PostPosted: Wed Oct 31, 2018 4:05 pm 
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Fuck that scuzzy ass bitch.

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 Post subject: Re: Restoration Offer
PostPosted: Fri Nov 02, 2018 2:01 pm 
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jwilkerson wrote:
Quote:
In an unexpected televised address on Saturday, Queen Elizabeth II offered to restore British rule over the United States of America.

Addressing the American people from her office in Buckingham Palace, the Queen said that she was making the offer “in recognition of the desperate situation you now find yourselves in.”

"This two-hundred-and-forty-year experiment in self-rule began with the best of intentions, but I think we can all agree that it didn't end well," she said.

The Queen urged Americans to write in her name on Election Day, after which the transition to British rule could begin “with a minimum of bother.”

Elizabeth acknowledged that, in the wake of Brexit, Americans might justifiably be alarmed about being governed by the British parliamentary system, but she reassured them, “Parliament would play no role in this deal. This would be an old-school monarchy. Just me, and then, assuming you’d rather not have Charles, we could go straight to William and those children of his who have mesmerized you so.”

Using the closing moments of her speech to tout her credentials, the Queen made it clear that she has never used e-mail and has only had sex with one person "very occasionally."


https://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/queen-offers-to-restore-british-rule-over-united-states

Borowitz is kind of poking fun on the political memory span of Americans.

After Bush 2000 there was some more funny stuff around. ;)

In Snopes you can find the evolution and a refutation of the story.

One snippet.

Quote:
The following is the text of a message which was communicated to President Clinton at 07:30 (EST) today:

NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Britannic Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II.

In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP – for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up “aluminium”. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary”. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up “interspersed”.

2. There is no such thing as “US English”. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. Future adult suffrage will be based in part on successful completion of compulsory spelling examinations which will focus on words like “colour” and “visualise” whose mis-spelling is endemic in the American colonies.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn’t that hard.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American “football”. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American “football” is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays “American” football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played in the girls leagues; it is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2015.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. “Merde” is French for “shit”.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called “Indecisive Day”.

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

10. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

11. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as “beer”, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as “Lager”. The substances formerly known as “American Beer” will henceforth be referred to as “Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine”, with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as “Weak Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine”. This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

12. From November 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or “Gasoline” as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2001) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon – get used to it).

13. Please tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us crazy.

Thank you for your co-operation.


Too bad the UK was busy with Nappy 1812. :roll:

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 Post subject: Re: Restoration Offer
PostPosted: Fri Nov 02, 2018 2:45 pm 
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nero wrote:
Too bad the UK was busy with Nappy 1812. :roll:


1812 only happened because of Nappy.

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 Post subject: Re: Restoration Offer
PostPosted: Fri Nov 02, 2018 3:27 pm 
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EUBanana wrote:
nero wrote:
Too bad the UK was busy with Nappy 1812. :roll:


1812 only happened because of Nappy.

Perhaps the yanks had feelings for Nappy because of Louisiana deal. And liked to trade with countries on embargo. A casus belli.

Too bad that the Brits lost the fighting spirit after Waterloo. Surely Wellington and his army would have taken the rebel colonies back. ;)

The yanks started the war anyway. Sending Wellington with 50000 troops would have been decisive. More than just burning the white house down, but taking the colonies back.

:mrgreen:

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 Post subject: Re: Restoration Offer
PostPosted: Fri Nov 02, 2018 6:19 pm 
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I doubt that they would have been successful.

The population of the US had almost doubled by 1812.
The population of the US was 7,239,881 in 1810.

The population of England in 1811 was 8,762,178

We had "purged" the "Loyalists" after the end of the Revolutionary War (they had moved to Canada, the Caribbean and other parts of the world) and by 1812 the US population was more united that it was in 1776.

92.7 % of the US population in 1810 was rural, meaning that capturing the larger Atlantic coast cities (if that were possible) would have meant little on controlling the nation as a whole.

Sir Edward Michael Pakenham, the commander of British forces in North America, and commander of the British forces at New Orleans were soundly trounced.
Pakenham was the brother-in-law of The Duke of Wellington, and had served with him in the Peninsular War.

Meanwhile, what was Finland doing at the time?
Kissing the Romanov's ass?

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 Post subject: Re: Restoration Offer
PostPosted: Fri Nov 02, 2018 7:54 pm 
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chijohnaok wrote:
I doubt that they would have been successful.

The population of the US had almost doubled by 1812.
The population of the US was 7,239,881 in 1810.

The population of England in 1811 was 8,762,178

We had "purged" the "Loyalists" after the end of the Revolutionary War (they had moved to Canada, the Caribbean and other parts of the world) and by 1812 the US population was more united that it was in 1776.

92.7 % of the US population in 1810 was rural, meaning that capturing the larger Atlantic coast cities (if that were possible) would have meant little on controlling the nation as a whole.

Sir Edward Michael Pakenham, the commander of British forces in North America, and commander of the British forces at New Orleans were soundly trounced.
Pakenham was the brother-in-law of The Duke of Wellington, and had served with him in the Peninsular War.

Meanwhile, what was Finland doing at the time?
Kissing the Romanov's ass?

During the time the now independent Americans did two crimes, forcibly took the lands of the original people, and for a work force employed slaves from Africa.

How about that. Where is your moral high-ground?

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 Post subject: Re: Restoration Offer
PostPosted: Fri Nov 02, 2018 8:46 pm 
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Quote:
During the time the now independent Americans did two crimes,


Quote:
forcibly took the lands of the original people,


There were many that were involved in taking land from others:
The English, the French, the Spanish, the Dutch, the Russians and others in North America.

The Spanish, the French, the Portuguese, the Dutch, the English, and others in South America and the Caribbean.

Most of the major countries in Europe were involved in carving up Africa.
A number of European countries took bits and pieces of Asia.


Quote:
and for a work force employed slaves from Africa.


Again, many were involved in using slaves from Africa (the English-then the US, the French, the Spanish, the Portuguese, and a number of Muslim countries) and a number of European countries used slaves from elsewhere.

I don’t deny that the use of slave labor happened in the US, but that was long before I was born, and long before my family ever got to the US in the 1950s and 1960s.

Now I have and will again acknowledge that members of my family have been involved in slave labor. My maternal grandmother, my paternal grandfather, and one of my uncles were forced to go to the Soviet Union and work in Soviet slave labor camps for 3 1/2 years starting in 1945.

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 Post subject: Re: Restoration Offer
PostPosted: Sat Nov 03, 2018 2:32 pm 
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nero wrote:
. . . SNIP [sounds like a boar with tits being milked] . . . Where is your . . . SNIP . . . ?


Herra 0.03806% has declined to Herra 0.0379%

:lol:

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 Post subject: Re: Restoration Offer
PostPosted: Sat Nov 03, 2018 5:03 pm 
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nero wrote:
Too bad that the Brits lost the fighting spirit after Waterloo. Surely Wellington and his army would have taken the rebel colonies back. ;)


Hmm.

First time I heard that the UK was a peaceful sort of place in the 19th century. ;)

Why fuck with the US? Relationships normalised pretty quickly after 1814. A bit of shenanigans later on sorted by the Webster-Ashburton Treaty. By the time of the Civil War, which was the next opportunity for perfidious Albion to do a bit of meddling, while the British ruling elite kinda wanted to put the boot in at least a lil, the average joe on the street was actually totally behind the Union cause to the point that the ruling class couldn't do it even if they wanted to, because slavery did not fly in the UK in 1860. Liverpool dockworkers were going on strike to mess with the Confederacy in fact IIRC.

http://ldhi.library.cofc.edu/exhibits/s ... -civil-war

All in all. Seems pretty harmonious to me.

And meanwhile. The rest of the world was around to fuck with, and needing it a whole lot more.

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